Party

I was at a party on Saturday night. Nothing particularly unusual about that.

Except it was a bit unusual for me. For a long time I've been struggling with big groups of people. Struggling to interact. I think there has been a few reasons for this. Firstly depression gnaws away at my mind in different ways. It stifles my confidence. It leaves me feel confused and less able to express my feelings and emotions. It makes me feel withdrawn. It removes my interest in many things. Secondly, I feel more self-conscious. Partly a by-product of the above, but also because I have tried to be as open as possible with my friends about how I am feeling. But it means that sometimes there is an inevitable elephant in the room when we meet and talk.

I used to be outgoing. It probably wasn't my natural disposition. I was a naturally shy and self-conscious child in lots of situations. But always wanted to be more outgoing. I worked on it for a long time. It got to the point where I enjoyed presentations to hundreds of people for work. I enjoyed meeting and talking to strangers. I enjoyed telling stories and having attention fixed on me. But, I also enjoyed finding out about the people I met. Listening, questioning, learning, watching.

My self-confidence has been gradually growing for a while. Going back into work helped. Forcing myself to meet friends, to go out, to socialise, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do helped. There have been ups and downs. I've sometimes used alcohol as a crutch, to calm nerves and quieten the anxiety. But it has often made me worse, or I haven't controlled my drinking. Talking and interacting left me utterly exhausted. I've fallen asleep on more sofas than I can remember in the last few months.

On Saturday, I chatted, I spoke to good friends, I spoke to complete strangers. I drank, but not too excessively. I laughed, I felt confident, I mingled. I was silly. I told people about me, I found out lots of interesting things about others. I didn't notice the clock moving, or feel tired. Sparks were firing in my brain. I was awake, and myself.

Definitely a step in the right direction.