Good
+Some wonderful rides over the weekend. Magical snowy ride on Saturday on the cyclocross bike. Sliding and skidding, gripping and railing round frozen ruts. Frozen water bottle, frozen shoes.
+Cannock Chase on Sunday. Travelled down with my longest friend, Sam (coming up to knowing each other for 20 years) to meet my mate Mark, who lives in Tamworth. Unfortunately he had to pull out, but we still had a fantastic loop round the Follow the Dog and Monkey Trails. There wasn't any snow there, but temperatures were bitter. The car thermometer read -9 when we pulled into the car park. Sensible layering meant we were nice and warm though. The trails were a little icy (I took a tumble on the first corner into the singletrack), but lovely and fast and zippy. Singlespeeding was tricky, as climbing out of the saddle almost instantly lead to the back wheel spinning out. I'm sure I turned the cranks twice as much as I should have needed to to get up some of the hills.
+Snow! I know not everyone appreciates it, and I am in a fortunate position of not having to battle my way into work everyday at the moment. But I just love it. Love how it makes even the most uninspiring view look a little bit prettier. Love the noise of walking/riding through it. Love the dull silence as noise is dampened.
+Seeing friends... had a lovely run with my friend Dave, and talked for hours about extremely geeky bike stuff.
+Getting my arse kicked... (see last post)
+A beautiful, brutal run today. 10 miles through a blizzard, through foot-deep snow. In suburban Leeds. There were times the snow was so heavy that as I did hill-reps it felt as though all I was breathing in were big sticky, dry flakes of snow. My eyelashes froze. Ace.
+Cognitive Based Therapy
Not so good
-Had a strange start to last week. Felt very low for a few days. Didn't plan much for myself. Didn't feel motivated to do so. Ended up promoting my own vicious cycle and felt like I was staring down into the pit yet again.
-The above meant I didn't do some of the relatively small things I wanted to do. I didn't organise going into work like I told myself I would do. I'm now due to go in tomorrow, but I doubt my boss will be able to make it over the Pennines in the weather, and it was mainly him I wanted to see.
-Lacking a vehicle is getting seriously annoying now and limiting my ability to do what I want to do. Number one on the list to purchase after xmas and cash flow is closer to normal.
-While writing this, I had the text from my girlfriend today. We have been barely communicating since she moved out. It has been so painful, and I guess from my point of view, I ended up burying my head in the sand. It was just easier to concentrate on the rest of life. The bits that I didn't need to worry or panic about. The bits that were solid. Creating my own little island. I know that this has been destructive to what was left of our relationship, but I just didn't know what else to do. I now have the same feeling of having my heart ripped out that I had when she moved out. The same feelings that I had when I was sitting opposite her and couldn't string together a sentence because all that was flying around my head were shards of emotions and thoughts. A storm of confused, bruised fragments of "me", churning in an almost drunken mist of weird suicidal, depressed thoughts, shouting and bullying to be heard.
She wants to drop her keys off, move on, and can't carry on waiting for me any more. I understand. As I said, I know I haven't helped the situation. I know I'm hurting her by shrinking into myself. I guess, if I'm honest, I felt abandoned when she moved out. Felt like I didn't want to open up to her, even when I was better able to talk, because other people would be more understanding. I hadn't hurt them. They only needed to worry about my feelings, they didn't need to protect their interests. I have still sat, staring at my phone, with her number ready to be dialled. Willing myself to call. But I didn't, and now it's too late.
Maybe it isn't too late, but I the second I feel any real pressure at the moment, I feel myself falling apart. I can feel the familiar creep of anxiety trying to pull me down into the depths. I feel sick. Time for a walk.
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