How to cope with death

Head update

After a shaky week or so at the start of February, I'm feeling happier and stronger again.

Sunny intervals have well and truly returned.

Another race entered...

I'll be doing this in June:

Glentress Seven

Solo. And with one gear, I think. Can't wait. Lovely wonderful trails, for a full seven hours. Pretty much a perfect days riding. Except there'll be a bit of added spice, because it's a race. And riding is riding. Racing is always racing.

The location and the concept of "it's only riding your bike for seven hours" has meant that a few of my friends have entered too. That's brilliant. I'm used to going to races by myself, or with one other mate. Seeing the odd familiar face there, then heading home by myself. I don't mind, racing is something I do for me, not necessarily to be sociable. But... I'm excited about sharing this with my riding buddies. Excited about the atmosphere. Excited about giving them encouragement out on the course. Excited about the beers and stories afterwards.

Literal and metaphorical headwind

Monday.

The day didn't really matter, other than I didn't really have the option of just hiding away. Work. Again... didn't really matter, except all I wanted to do was hide away.

I've felt like my mental health has slowly been declining for the last few days. I really don't know why. Tablets seemed to be doing the job. CBT has been interesting, hard, but a positive influence.

A few small personal things, that I won't go into here have knocked me slightly. And I know they have contributed. I'm getting a little scared it's more than that. I want it to be a blip, but I also want to make sure I don't ignore it.

I ran into work today. I wanted to try and kick-start my body and mind. There was a killer headwind the entire away. Headphones on. Nirvana Nevermind screaming into my ears for the first few mins, until all I wanted to do was listen to my breathing trying to keep it under control, concentrating on sucking in as much air as possible. Focussing on the speed of my legs. Never fucking allowing myself to ease up. But still, my bag felt heavy, my legs felt heavy. My heart felt heavy. Most importantly, my mind felt heavy.

I sat at my desk and the metaphorical headwind was still there. Putting in all my effort to just keep my mind moving. To stop it from getting blown back into the safe cocoon of fluffy, cloudy, half thinking/half sleeping. To stop it from drifting to darker, deeper, more poisonous thoughts. Never fucking allowing myself to ease up. I was exhausted by 11am. Talking and writing anything intelligent or insightful or coherent was nigh on impossible.

By lunch time I relaxed a little. Told a couple of people how I was feeling. Ate a big lunch. Felt more at ease, but still down.

I'm just back from a good gym session, and run home. Jesus, my legs felt tired. But, man o man did my head feel good. It's the good thing about a headwind I guess. Sometimes it turns face when you don't expect it, and you get blown along for a while.

Blank Canvas

I live in a lovely, small terraced house in Chapel Allerton, about three miles north of Leeds city centre.

I rent my house. Sometimes this frustrates me a lot. Sometimes I feel demoralised that I haven't been dedicated enough to save and be sensible and put down a deposit and buy somewhere. It's not like I don't earn enough.

Sometimes though, I like renting. This week my landlady has paid for decorators to come in and give all the rooms a flesh lick of paint. The house smells all emulsiony and new.

I used to share my lovely, small terraced house in Chapel Allerton, about three miles north of Leeds city centre, with my ex-girlfriend. It was our home. She moved out when things became far too much for us both, in November. Since then, it has been my house again (as it was before we met).

Most of her things went when she did, although there were the inevitable forgotten bits and pieces. Reminders. Hard, sad reminders.

One of the last reminders has just been painted over. The funny stain on the bathroom wall after a hair-dye "incident" is no more.

I miss her every single day, but I'm excited about the blank canvas a part of my life has become.

Hmmm

Feeling extremely empty and alone tonight.

Genuinely don't know why. There has been creeping fingers of darkness for a few days now. Nothing too bad. I probably wouldn't have even noticed them before going through everything. It's more tonight. I want to switch off. I'm not sure if I can.

I can play the game, give the textbook, robotic answer. "Yes, I've got wonderful friends and family. I'm not really alone. I know people would drop everything and come and see me if I asked."

Doesn't matter. Just feel alone.

Hoping it's just a blip. More Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on Thursday too.