Friday, 26 November 2010
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
-Black and grey
-Colour bleaches back in slowly
Such a beautiful evening for a run. Cold, crisp, but fine once we were moving. Dave's a fit lad, and could knock out 35min 10ks a few years ago. He's not run so much recently, so he began to tire before me, but we were as good as evenly matched. Up through Little Switzerland, over to Roundhay Park, back along Street Lane to Moortown Corner, and home, via the steps through Chapel Allerton park.
Soup, crusty bread and blue cheese.
Radio 6, a Cumberland Ale and getting hands dusty and oily.
Now I feel alone, want to be alone. Once again the world has lost its colour. I haven't exercised since Saturday. I simply can't find the motivation to. I've not really left the house too much. I haven't had much to leave it for, but that's suited me just fine.
I feel myself in a self-destructive cycle. I'm losing the energy to keep doing this. Back to the doctors tomorrow maybe.
Watching bits of life on a badly tuned tv. Moments of clarity make the haze and black harder to take.
Monday, 22 November 2010
Saturday, 20 November 2010
Friday, 19 November 2010
Thursday, 18 November 2010
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Monday, 15 November 2010
Discovered that getting better isn't just steady progress day after day. Had a few low, low days. Not always caused by anything. Some of them were. Sitting in an empty house, feeling very alone isn't always conducive to finding perspective either.
But, I got over them, and despite, or because of those days, I feel a bit stronger again.
- Nice meeting with my boss. Lovely card from my colleagues. I certainly wasn't ready to go into work that day, but it has properly started to sow seeds in my mind and I can more easily visualise a route back to working.
- Returning to climbing, around 3 years since I last climbed regularly. I'm weak, I've got poor technique, but it has been fun. Had forgotten the simple pleasure of staring at a piece of rock (or climbing wall as it was) for 5 mins, trying to visualise how to reach the top.
- House beginning to feel closer to a home. Not the home that I had before, but somewhere that I don't feel on edge or alien to.
- I've started carrying a mini sketch pad with me, whenever I go out. I have very limited artistic ability, but have enjoyed doodling away over a long coffee or two when my head feels too crowded to read.
- The ongoing love and support of family and friends. Amazing.
- Painful, horrible discussions with my girlfriend.
- The fear that the loneliness, the feeling weak won't go away. That this is my life now.
- Going into town with a list of three simple jobs. Haircut, bank, food. Feeling so confused, and scared that I had to turn round and come back home.
- No bike riding for most of the last week.
- Looking in the mirror and seeing a gangly collection of skin and bones, where well defined, lean muscle used to be. It feels like my physical state is representing my mental state.
- When you live by yourself there is no one to tell you that the very muddy bike should not be in the living room.
- It still needs a wash.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
•Bike ride with great friends on Saturday. Travelled to Cannock Chase, as a central meeting between Sam and me, based in Leeds (and Rob who was up for the weekend) and Mark (Tamworth) and Rich (Oxfordshire). Rode Follow the Dog and the Monkey Trail. I was really surprised at how good and generally fun the trails were. They really make the most of the landscape and limited altitude to create a fantastic mellow, flowing red route, with some interesting, though not overly technical short black options. I wouldn't travel 2 1/2 hours purely to ride here, but will be happy to meet friends there again.
•Short blasts on the CX bike first thing in the morning. No more than 2 hours. No less than exhausted when I get home. Definitely good for my mental health
•Lunch with an old friend and her two year old boy. Don't often get to play cars or diggers when you are 30. (er it was nice to see you too Gemma)
•Headtorch-lit trail run above and around Halifax. Standing on top of Beacon Hill, looking over the Halifax town centre, stretching out to Wainhouse Tower and the moors beyond. Had a few issues with my light shining off misty breath, making it difficult to see. Tempted to get a dedicated headtorch for running. Can anyone recommend a relatively cheap one? Alpkit? Back to the run. For a few short minutes I felt totally and utterly calm. No stress, no worries, not even the nagging sensation that I should be worrying about something. As I hit road again, my mind started wandering, and again the familiar stress drifted back, like the annoying guy at the bar you chatted to once, but now insists on sharing his wisdom with you while you settle down to a quiet pint.
Not so good:
•My girlfriend moved out yesterday, into a room in a shared house 10 minutes away. I helped as best I could, but my head wasn't doing me any favours, and I made things worse, other than being able to move the heavy stuff. I don't know what's going to happen now. I can't picture a way back. I like being able to dream, to visualise, to be able to create what I want in my head, in every detail, so I can almost touch it. I still just feel empty, shell shocked and heartbroken.
•I hate that I'm hurting someone that I love so much. It is all consuming. I have found it so hard to think about anything else. I have to fight the deep miserable sense of loss, guilt and self-hatred. The tips of my fingers are hanging on by the last joint to sanity, to a life, to wanting to exist. It could be so easy to let go and revel in a spiral down into the darkest nastiest depths.
•My (our?) house no longer feels like a home. It felt like a dirty hovel last night, with bizarre, fake holes torn out where the tell-tales of happy co-habitation once were. Suze's favourite mug gone, 75% fewer shoes by the door. An empty dressing room. Dusty footprints where furniture once rested.
•I couldn't face tidying last night. I couldn't really face it this morning, but started it anyway. Started with the bedroom. It almost feels clean and like my room now. Its hard though. I don't really want "my room". But, like the medication, I know deep down it's what I need and good for me. Certainly better than a tangle of hangers on the floor and piles of books stacked on half opened drawers.