There were times when I thought I would never get back to this point, and a few false starts along the way. But, today I went to work. I worked a full day.
Not exactly ground breaking, but 3 months ago I was at a point that I could barely string a sentence together. Then I couldn't get out of bed, or stop sleeping. Panic attacks were a regular occurrence. My head was cloudy, I was constantly confused. So, to walk into the office, to see people I haven't seen since September, to sit at a desk was a big deal.
I don't love my job. It isn't what I dreamt of doing all my life. It doesn't totally fulfill me. But... I realised while I was off, that it does define a big part of me. I get a lot of self-esteem from being good at what I do.
Today was an action packed day of... coffee with my boss. Then trying to clear my email account so I could actually start sending them again. Then starting some actual work. Nothing massively challenging today, but a nice clear route back to some real deadlines, and some more challenging stuff.
So, work done for the day, I decided to go to the gym. I haven't been since I stopped work. I'm not totally sure why. Cycling and running just felt like a better escape, and I was eating so little for a while that I don't think I'd have been strong enough to do a great deal. Turns out 3 months of no gym, turns Tom into a very weak boy. It was good to do a different kind of exercise though, and as with a lot of other things in my life at the moment, I know it'll get better.
I'm shattered now. But a content exhaustion, a tiredness that I haven't felt for a long time. I know that there are a lot of battles still to come, but the more there are, the more opportunities there are for little wins.
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