I was shattered when I went to bed last night. Couldn't keep my eyes open. I still woke up at 1am, 3am, 6am, then the alarm went off at 7am. I climbed on to the bus, read a bit of Laurent Fignon's autobiography (great book so far). Arrived at work at 8.30. And could have gone straight back to bed.
Instead, I had a coffee, flicked on my computer and really tried to concentrate. It took me all day to do what would normally take me a couple of hours. But I got somewhere, and didn't give up.
After work, I went to the gym again, and bumped into a couple of old training partners. Had the same conversation with them as I've had with lots of people.
"Not seen you in ages Tom"
"Yeah, I haven't been so well for the last couple of months, but I'm mostly better now"
"It's great to see you. You do look like you haven't been well. You've lost lots of weight haven't you. Do you mind if I ask what was wrong?"
"..."
Every time, I wonder what to say. Every time, I tell the truth. Sometimes it still feels like something I should be a little bit embarrassed about. I know I shouldn't. I'm almost angry that I feel like that.
"I've had a bout of depression, and it hit me quite hard. But, I'm getting over it"
"Oh, that's awful. I've had similar/a close friend.../my family..."
It's good to know how many people care. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who has ever been through this. I'm looking forward to people not being able to tell I've lost weight. I'm looking forward to feeling more confident again. I'm looking forward to not waking up and having to coach myself into getting on with the day. I know it'll come. I'm just looking forward to it, impatiently.
I felt on high yesterday. Happy with what I had achieved. Today feels different. I feel really quite sad and lonely. I can feel the loss and hurt from the last few weeks. I also feel determined though. I am not going to let this beat me. I am going to fight every step of the way. I am going make myself fitter than I have ever been before, mentally stronger than I have been before.
Time to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day. I'm going to get up. I'm going to go to work again.
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