Getting cross

Another couple of weeks since my last post. Apologies for the slackness.

I've carried on going into work... and managed every single day. Not necessarily long hours, not necessarily the most productive. But I've kept it up. I've gone in when I really didn't want to get out of bed, when I all I could think about was dark thoughts. But, where I used to allow them to beat me, I fought them. I stood up and walked away and concentrated on something else. Sometimes for 5 minutes only. But I did it.

I had the benefit of a treat at the end of the week to look forward to. Every few months my mates and I all meet in South Wales for a weekend of biking, catching up and a huge pub dinner on Saturday night. For the first time in so long, on any bike, I had that feeling. You know the one. Everything clicked. My pedals felt lighter than air. The singlespeed ate up climbs with a kind of inevitability. I didn't just feel fast on the descents, I felt playful. Hipping jumps just because I could, using every inch of trail and a bit more, drifting, and pumping. This is what trail centres are about. Mindless, childish, pointless fun. I felt myself. This is me. Giggling, and chatting and joking.

I guess it was inevitable that returning back to Leeds and work would be tricky, and I was kind of expecting it. Monday was awful. I reached for Diazepam for the first time in weeks. But, things have got better since. I've continued to run, gym and ride. I've continued to work towards being me all the time.

So, after a few days of a cloudy head when I got to work, that I couldn't shift until gone lunch, I tried something new this morning. On Wednesday night I packed my bags, laid out my kit, checked my bike. This morning I got up, got dressed, slung my leg over the cyclocross and rode into the dawn with a purpose. A quick warm up through Little Switzerland to Roundhay Park, then drills. Running up hills. Sprints. In rain. Then sleet. Then horizontal hail. And finally snow. I arrived in work sodden, cold and smelly. I sat in work for the rest of the day, awake, content and lively.

I guess I knew pedaling would be part of my cure... the title of the blog gives it away. I'm not sure even I realised out intimately linked my physical health and actions would be to my mental health though. I'm more than happy to live with that as long as I can ride my bike.