Monday.
The day didn't really matter, other than I didn't really have the option of just hiding away. Work. Again... didn't really matter, except all I wanted to do was hide away.
I've felt like my mental health has slowly been declining for the last few days. I really don't know why. Tablets seemed to be doing the job. CBT has been interesting, hard, but a positive influence.
A few small personal things, that I won't go into here have knocked me slightly. And I know they have contributed. I'm getting a little scared it's more than that. I want it to be a blip, but I also want to make sure I don't ignore it.
I ran into work today. I wanted to try and kick-start my body and mind. There was a killer headwind the entire away. Headphones on. Nirvana Nevermind screaming into my ears for the first few mins, until all I wanted to do was listen to my breathing trying to keep it under control, concentrating on sucking in as much air as possible. Focussing on the speed of my legs. Never fucking allowing myself to ease up. But still, my bag felt heavy, my legs felt heavy. My heart felt heavy. Most importantly, my mind felt heavy.
I sat at my desk and the metaphorical headwind was still there. Putting in all my effort to just keep my mind moving. To stop it from getting blown back into the safe cocoon of fluffy, cloudy, half thinking/half sleeping. To stop it from drifting to darker, deeper, more poisonous thoughts. Never fucking allowing myself to ease up. I was exhausted by 11am. Talking and writing anything intelligent or insightful or coherent was nigh on impossible.
By lunch time I relaxed a little. Told a couple of people how I was feeling. Ate a big lunch. Felt more at ease, but still down.
I'm just back from a good gym session, and run home. Jesus, my legs felt tired. But, man o man did my head feel good. It's the good thing about a headwind I guess. Sometimes it turns face when you don't expect it, and you get blown along for a while.
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